One New Year Resolution: Pre-Retreat Reflections
New Year’s Energy
New Year’s is my favourite holiday. Christmas is over (I know, I know, unpopular opinion!), and the world seems to collectively exhale. There’s an energy of positivity and hope in the air – whether it’s about leaving a challenging year behind, setting fresh goals, or simply gathering around ridiculous board games that leave you laughing so hard your abs ache.
As a devoted list-maker, New Year’s resolutions are my jam. Every year, I reflect on what I want to do less of, what I want to do more of, and what I need to add or let go.
Shifting My Focus
At the end of 2024, when I cozied up on my couch, pen in hand, jotting down five or six solid goals, something felt off. Normally, this process fills me with excitement - the buzz of setting ambitious, almost unattainable plans. But this time, the goals I wrote down just didn’t resonate.
It hit me: I’d been missing the point entirely. My goals were always based on the intention of being more balanced and grounded. Yet, here I was, recycling the same ideas year after year, ignoring the elephant in the room. So, I went back to the drawing board, crossed everything out, and wrote down just one simple resolution:
Meditate more.
Why Meditation?
If I’m being honest, my daily meditation practice has been anything but consistent (I’m definitely throwing myself in the trenches here!). Much like ultrarunning, it’s a discipline that requires commitment and patience. And my patience with sitting still - as a constant mover and to-do-list extraordinaire - is noticeably thin. Though meditation might seem like a bit of an oxymoron in my life, it’s exactly that contrast, the yin to ultrarunner’s yang, that makes it feel like it’s a perfect fit.
Meditation isn’t a magical fix for every challenge, but it’s definitely taught me to approach things differently. The glimpses of calm and clarity meditation has brought me, even alongside the discomfort it creates, have already shown me it’s benefit.
Running vs. Meditation
Years ago, after running a grueling ultra, I was lying on a massage table, wincing as I praised my massage therapist for how brave she was for attending a silent retreat. I told her that I could never do that - we both laughed, knowing the irony of my words.
I’ve run through hours of discomfort, braved storms with hail pelting my legs, and cried on mountaintops. I’ve thrown up on trails, dragged one leg over the finish line, lost every toenail in a single race, and nearly fainted from dehydration. But sitting still for 10 days? I’d take the ultra any day.
People say, “You’ll be fine; you’re used to discomfort!”. But let’s be real:
If meditation were anything like running, I would’ve tried to master it a long time ago.
There are certainly meditative aspects to running. But true meditation is quite the opposite. You’re raw and exposed, no distractions to mask the discomfort. Take away the sensory output from running - rain drops on your skin, the sun breaking through the trees, the rhythm of your feet pounding the ground – and you’re left with...well, just yourself.
Why Now?
And yet, here I am, gearing up for 10 days of silence. Minimal distractions and the full opportunity to go inward. Just me, myself, and I.
Deep down, jokes aside with my massage therapist, I’ve always known I’d do this one day. The simple yet comical answer to my ‘why’ is that anything that makes me say “I could never” is usually something I’ll eventually tackle - because apparently, I’m built to prove myself wrong.
Embracing the Unknown
I am trying to avoid setting expectations. If meditation has taught me anything, it’s that letting go of control is the whole point. On the surface, a silent meditation retreat sounds relaxing – a chance to escape the hustle and bustle of life, with the constant roar of cars, chiming cell phones, and never-ending to-do-lists. Though frankly, I know I’m in for a journey.
My intention is simple: to sit with the discomfort, just as I would push through it in an ultra. Growth doesn’t come from staying comfortable, and I imagine this experience will test my limits in ways that running never has.
Slowing Down in a Fast World
In a world that glorifies the hustle, slowing down feels counterintuitive. Yet the science is clear: improved focus, reduced stress, better sleep, and even a lower risk of heart disease. And the best part? It doesn’t require an app or gadget - just a willingness to pause.
I’m not suggesting that everyone should attend a silent retreat to find what they’re looking for. Honestly, I might run out screaming by day two. But what if we all invited a little more stillness into our lives? Five deep breaths, a quiet walk, eating without distraction, or simply sitting with our thoughts - we might not notice it at first, but good things come with time.
Final Thoughts
Pushing through discomfort? I’ve nailed that. But sitting with it? That might be a different story. I’m not exactly sure what these ten days of silence teach me. Mybe I’ll uncover profound insights, or maybe I’ll just spend the whole time thinking about snacks and trying not to sneeze during meditation. Either way, I’m sure I’ll come out with some stories to tell. I’ll be sure to share my reflections once the silence is over.
